Self Growth & Loneliness
No one really talks about how lonely self-growth can be. There’s an unspoken narrative that doing “the work” will lead to clarity, connection, and a better life—but often, it doesn’t feel that way at first. In fact, it can leave you feeling more lost and disconnected than ever, wondering who your people are and where you belong.
For me, becoming a therapist and all the years of self-work and reflection that comes with this process, has been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, but it has also been deeply isolating in unexpected ways. The things I used to enjoy, the people I used to feel close to—I’ve found myself drifting away from them. The relationships and routines that once gave me purpose, no longer align with who I’ve become.
Self-growth, at its core, is about shedding old patterns and beliefs. But what’s often left unspoken is that this shedding process doesn’t just happen internally—it ripples outward, touching your friendships, your social circles, and even your identity.
After 5 years away and returning to the places and spaces that I was before I was therapist, I began to notice things about the people in my life that I hadn’t seen before. I was disappointed with the way some of them showed up—the lack of self-reflection, the unexamined narcissism, the ways they remained stuck in patterns that no longer resonated with me. I felt both a sense of relief and pride that I had left and grown, and also a deep sense of disappointment and sadness that they could no longer be the friends that I wanted them to be for me. I realized that the version of me who had enjoyed their company, who had been drawn to them, was a younger, unhealed version of myself. In many of these friendships, I recognized that what had brought us together in our 20s was a deep trauma bond. And as I had healed those wounds for myself, I had outgrown those relationships.
That realization was both empowering and heartbreaking. Growth often means outgrowing the spaces and relationships that once felt safe. And while this process opens up the possibility of finding new, more aligned connections, it also creates a void in the interim—a space where the old no longer fits, but the new hasn’t yet taken shape.
This in-between space can feel profoundly lonely and scary. It's full of questions - “Will I ever find where I belonging? Who and where are my people?” It’s a reminder that growth isn’t always a neat, linear journey—it’s messy, uncomfortable, and, at times, deeply isolating. But what I’ve come to understand is that this loneliness isn’t a sign that you’ve done something wrong. It’s a natural part of the process of becoming.
If you’re in this liminal space, remember it’s okay to grieve what you’ve outgrown. It’s natural to feel sadness for friendships or routines that no longer fit, even when you know they’re not right for you. Growth doesn’t erase the past—it creates room for something new.
Rebuilding community and discovering aligned connections takes time, but the loneliness of growth is temporary. It’s a courageous step toward becoming your most authentic self, trusting that what’s ahead will feel more fulfilling and true.